Becoming a new mom (how many times have I started a blog this way?) is a beautiful and transformative journey, but it can also unearth the ghosts of our own upbringing. This is especially true if you grew up with emotionally immature parents (EIPs).
Dr. Lindsey C. Gibson's book, "Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents," is a beacon of hope and guidance for those of some of us who carry the scars of emotionally neglectful or inconsistent childhoods. In this "self-help guide", we'll delve deeper into the practical steps to spot an EIP, understand emotional takeovers, learn how to mother yourself, and gain valuable guidance for dealing with these challenges.
Recognising Emotionally Immature Parents:
The first step in healing is recognition. Dr. Gibson provides invaluable insights into identifying emotionally immature parents. It blew my mind. EIPs often exhibit patterns of constant criticism, emotional withdrawal, manipulation, or an inability to provide emotional support. When you start recognising these patterns, you're on the path to understanding the source of your emotional struggles.
But it doesn't stop there. Dr. Gibson also discusses how emotionally immature parents may be completely unaware of the impact of their behaviour on their children. This realisation can help new moms find some compassion for their parents while setting healthier boundaries.
EIPs often exhibit the following signs:
1. **Lack of Emotional Awareness**: Emotionally immature parents may struggle to recognise and express their own emotions, let alone empathise with their children's feelings. They might bottle up their emotions or react with intense outbursts. Addiction is common with EIPs.
2. **Inconsistent or Absent Boundaries**: These people may have trouble setting appropriate boundaries for themselves and their children, leading to confusion and resentment within the family. Inconsistent discipline or over-involvement can be common.
3. **Narcissistic Tendencies**: EIPs often prioritise their own needs and desires over those of their children, which can result in emotional neglect. They may be self-absorbed and have a limited capacity for genuine empathy.
4. **Difficulty in Handling Criticism**: EIPs may react defensively or passive-aggressively to feedback, making open communication challenging. They may struggle to acknowledge their mistakes or apologise.
5. **Inability to Take Responsibility**: These people may avoid taking responsibility for their actions or mistakes, leaving their children feeling unsupported and invalidated. They often deflect blame onto others or external circumstances.
Understanding Emotional Takeovers:
Emotional takeovers can be particularly challenging for new moms. As you step into your role as a mother, you may find yourself grappling with emotions from the past projected onto your parenting experience. These are emotions that aren't yours to carry, yet they can weigh heavily on you.
Identifying these moments is crucial.
Here's how to spot emotional takeovers as described in the book:
Reacting with your parents' emotions: When you find yourself feeling and responding to a situation in a way that mirrors your emotionally immature parents' reactions, even if those emotions are not in alignment with your true feelings.
Losing your sense of self: During an emotional takeover, you may temporarily lose touch with your own emotions, needs, and desires because you're so focused on accommodating or placating your parents.
Disconnection from your own emotional experience: You may become disconnected from your own feelings, leaving you feeling numb or disconnected from your true self.
Difficulty setting boundaries: Emotional takeovers can make it challenging to establish healthy boundaries with your parents. You may find yourself giving in to their demands or feeling unable to assert your own needs.
Overwhelming emotional reactions: You may experience intense emotional reactions that seem out of proportion to the situation, which can be a sign of emotional takeovers.
Difficulty in relationships: If you're frequently experiencing emotional takeovers, it can affect your relationships with others, as well as your ability to communicate and assert your needs.
Coping with Emotional Takeovers:
To cope with emotional takeovers, consider these steps:
1. **Recognise Emotional Takeovers**: Become attuned to signs of emotional takeover, such as feeling overwhelmed, anxious, or triggered by your parents' behaviour. Awareness is the first step in effectively dealing with this issue.
2. **Practice Self-soothing Techniques**: When you feel emotionally overwhelmed, practice self-soothing techniques. Deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, or mindfulness exercises can help you regain control of your emotions and reduce reactivity.
3. **Create a Safe Space**: Identify a physical or mental safe space where you can retreat to when you feel emotionally overwhelmed. This space should help you disconnect from the chaos and regain emotional balance.
4. **Set Clear Communication Boundaries**: Develop strategies to maintain healthy communication boundaries with your parents. Let them know when you need space or when certain topics are off-limits. Be prepared to disengage if conversations become unproductive or harmful.
Consider the Five Minute Rule
The Five-Minute Rule involves setting a time limit for engaging with emotionally immature parents when they start behaving in ways that are emotionally triggering or difficult to handle. The idea behind this rule is to limit your exposure to their behaviour to prevent yourself from getting overwhelmed and to give you time to regain your emotional composure.
Here's a basic explanation of how it works:
When you're in a conversation or situation with your emotionally immature parent, and they begin to exhibit behaviour that upsets or triggers you, start a mental timer for five minutes.
During these five minutes, listen to what they are saying and observe their behaviour without reacting emotionally. Try to stay calm and composed.
After the five minutes are up, politely excuse yourself from the conversation or situation. You can say something like, "I need to step away for a moment to gather my thoughts" or "I need to take a break."
During this break, take the time to rehearse your response. Consider what you want to say or how you want to address the situation calmly and assertively without getting emotionally entangled.
Return to the conversation or situation with your rehearsed response. Stay calm and assertive, expressing your boundaries or concerns as needed.
5. **Consider Professional Help**: If emotional takeovers are a recurring issue and negatively impacting your well-being, consider involving a therapist or counselor. They can provide you with strategies to cope with emotional takeovers and offer guidance on how to protect your emotional stability.
Dealing with EIP's:
Now that you can spot the signs of EIP's, let's explore practical steps for dealing with them:
1. **Self-awareness and Acceptance**: Recognise that for instance your parents' emotional immaturity is not your fault. It's essential to accept your feelings and validate your experiences. Seek support from a therapist or support group to help process your emotions and develop a greater sense of self.
2. **Set and Maintain Boundaries**: Establish clear boundaries to protect your emotional well-being. Communicate your boundaries calmly and assertively, and be consistent in enforcing them. This will help prevent emotional manipulation and maintain your self-respect. Keep in mind that enforcing boundaries may trigger resistance from your emotionally immature parents.
3. **Develop Your Emotional Intelligence**: Learning to identify and manage your own emotions can be a powerful tool when dealing with emotionally immature parents. Understand that their behaviour is a reflection of their emotional struggles, and it doesn't define your worth. This emotional resilience will help you respond more effectively to their actions.
4. **Seek External Support**: Lean on trusted friends, family members, or a therapist to provide emotional support and guidance. Sharing your experiences with a supportive community can be incredibly healing. They can offer you valuable perspectives and coping strategies.
5. **Embrace Healthy Coping Mechanisms**: Find healthy ways to manage stress and emotional overwhelm. This might include engaging in hobbies, exercise, mindfulness, or meditation. These activities can help you stay grounded and resilient when dealing with emotionally immature parents.
6. **Practice Empathy and Compassion**: It can be challenging, but try to understand that your parents' emotional immaturity may stem from their own childhood experiences. Empathy and compassion can help you manage your own emotions and responses. While you don't have to excuse their behaviour, understanding its roots can foster emotional healing.
Mothering Yourself:
One of the most transformative concepts in Dr. Gibson's book is the idea of self-mothering. As a new mom, you have the opportunity to provide yourself with the love and care you may not have received from your parents. Treat yourself as you would treat your own child.
Here are some practical steps to help you mother yourself:
1. **Self-Compassion:** Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding that a mother would offer. Be gentle with yourself, especially during difficult times.
2. **Self-Care:** Prioritise self-care activities that promote your physical, mental, and emotional well-being. This can include getting enough rest, eating well, exercising, and engaging in activities that bring you joy. Even just ten minutes a day can make a huge difference.
3. **Set Boundaries:** Just as a mother would protect her child, set healthy boundaries in your life to protect your own well-being. Learn to say "no" when necessary and create space for yourself.
4. **Positive Self-Talk:** Challenge negative self-talk (I struggle with this, so I treat my inner arsehole like I would someone I am cross examining in a court). Be your own biggest cheerleader.
5. **Journaling:** Keeping a journal can help you process your thoughts and emotions. It can be a way to self-soothe and gain insight into your feelings.
6. **Seek Support:** Reach out to friends, family, or a therapist when you need help or someone to talk to. It's okay to ask for support.
7. **Practice Mindfulness:** Be present in the moment, acknowledging your feelings without judgment. Mindfulness can help you connect with yourself on a deeper level.
8. **Celebrate Achievements:** Acknowledge your accomplishments, no matter how small they may seem. Reward yourself for your efforts.
9. **Self-Nurturing Rituals:** Create self-nurturing rituals, like taking long baths, practicing meditation, or enjoying a favorite hobby. These can be moments of self-love and care.
10. **Forgive Yourself:** Recognise that you're not perfect, and it's okay to make mistakes. Learn from them and forgive yourself.
11. **Self-Reflection:** Regularly assess your needs, desires, and goals. Make a plan to nurture yourself in the areas that matter most to you.
12. **Affirmations:** Use positive affirmations to boost your self-esteem and self-worth. Repeat them regularly to reinforce a positive self-image.
13. **Take Responsibility:** Just as a mother guides her child, take responsibility for your actions and choices. This empowers you to make positive changes in your life.
14. **Self-Appreciation:** Practice gratitude for who you are and the qualities that make you unique. Recognise your strengths and appreciate your own value.
15. **Learn and Grow:** Continue to learn and grow as a person. Be open to new experiences, challenges, and opportunities for personal development.
Remember that "mothering yourself" is a continuous and evolving process. It's about building a nurturing and supportive relationship with yourself that allows you to thrive and overcome life's challenges with self-compassion and resilience.
Remember also, you're no longer that vulnerable child; you have the power to protect your well-being.
Dealing with emotionally immature parents is a complex journey, but with the guidance of experts like Lindsey Gibson and the implementation of practical steps, you can navigate this challenging terrain and work toward recovery. Remember that your well-being is a priority, and seeking professional help when needed is a sign of strength, not weakness. You have the power to heal, grow, and thrive despite the challenges you've faced.
xoxo
LS
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