Dear fellow mothers,
As I sit down to reflect on my journey as a mother, I cannot help but be haunted by the nagging feeling that society has fed me a distorted definition of motherhood. From the moment we become mothers, we are bombarded with expectations, judgments, and cultural references that equate suffering with being a good mom.
It is time we challenge this notion and embrace a more nuanced understanding of what it means to be a mother in the modern world.
Historically, women have been expected to fit into certain molds: the dutiful wife, the nurturing mother, and the selfless caregiver. These societal expectations have always placed an immense burden on women's shoulders. In many cultures, motherhood has been associated with sacrificing one's well-being and dreams for the sake of their children and family. From ancient myths and religious tales to popular folklore, stories of self-sacrificing mothers have been woven into our collective consciousness.
One of the earliest references to the ideal of the "super mom" can be traced back to ancient mythology. For instance, the story of Demeter, the Greek goddess of agriculture, symbolises the quintessential nurturing mother figure. Demeter's devotion to her daughter Persephone led her to search tirelessly for her when she was abducted by Hades, the god of the underworld. Her unwavering commitment to her child's well-being has often been held up as an exemplary model for mothers throughout history.
Fast-forward to modern times, and we find ourselves grappling with the pressure to live up to the myth of the "supermom." This contemporary term refers to the expectation that mothers should be able to effortlessly juggle multiple roles, including being a nurturing parent, successful career woman, supportive partner, and caring friend. The relentless pursuit of being a supermom has given rise to what experts now refer to as the "supermom syndrome."
Research from reputable sources, such as studies on maternal well-being from PubMed, has consistently shown the detrimental effects of the "supermom syndrome." A study conducted by Geller et al. (Journal of Family Psychology) explored the experiences of working mothers and found that those who perceived higher societal pressure to be perfect in all roles, including being a good mom, reported higher levels of stress, guilt, and burnout.
Additionally, a research article by Johnson and Smith (Journal of Applied Psychology) highlighted the importance of self-compassion for maternal well-being. The study revealed that mothers who practiced self-compassion reported lower levels of stress and higher levels of life satisfaction. This research underscores the significance of being kind to ourselves and cultivating a supportive inner dialogue, which ultimately influences our ability to be nurturing and present caregivers.
It involves developing a positive and encouraging way of talking to yourself, especially during challenging or difficult situations. Here are some practical examples from psychology that can help you foster a supportive inner dialogue:
1. Practice self-awareness: Start by becoming more aware of your thoughts and the way you speak to yourself. Notice if you tend to be overly critical or judgmental. Acknowledge these negative thoughts without judgment, and remind yourself that it is normal to have self-doubts and insecurities at times.
2. Challenge negative thoughts: When you catch yourself engaging in negative self-talk, challenge those thoughts by asking yourself if they are based on facts or assumptions. For example, if you find yourself thinking, "I'm such a failure as a mom," ask yourself, "What evidence do I have to support this thought?" Often, you will realise that your negative thoughts are not grounded in reality.
3. Practice self-compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer to a close friend facing a similar situation. Be gentle with yourself and recognise that everyone makes mistakes and faces challenges.
4. Use affirmations: Incorporate positive affirmations into your daily routine. Repeat affirmations that focus on your strengths, resilience, and worthiness. For instance, you can say, "I am doing my best as a mother, and that is enough," or "I am deserving of love and care, just as I give it to others."
5. Visualise a nurturing figure: Imagine someone in your life, past or present, who has been a nurturing and supportive presence. It could be a parent, mentor, or friend. Visualise this person offering you words of encouragement and support, and use their kind words as a guide to how you talk to yourself.
6. Journaling: Write down your thoughts and feelings regularly. Use your journal as a safe space to express yourself without judgment. When you encounter challenges, write about them with a compassionate and understanding tone, offering yourself encouragement and guidance.
7. Mindfulness and meditation: Engage in mindfulness practices and meditation to become more present and aware of your thoughts. Through mindfulness, you can notice negative self-talk as it arises and gently redirect your focus to more positive and supportive thoughts.
One of my favourite meditations comes from "Untamed" by Glennon Doyle -
In Glennon Doyle's depiction, "Closet Me Time" symbolises the act of seeking inner solace and self-awareness within the confines of a private space. It entails finding moments of respite from the demands of daily life and taking time to connect with one's true self.
To embrace "Closet Me Time," designate a serene space, like a closet or a cosy nook, where distractions are minimal. Plan regular intervals for this practice, whether it's daily or weekly, and honour those commitments. During these moments, disconnect from technology and external influences. Engage in activities that foster self-reflection or simply sitting in silence. Embrace vulnerability and allow yourself to explore your thoughts and emotions without judgment.
8. Seek professional help: If you find it challenging to change your self-talk patterns on your own, consider seeking support from a therapist or counselor. They can provide you with personalised strategies and techniques to cultivate a more supportive inner dialogue.
Remember, cultivating a supportive inner dialogue is a process that takes time and practice.
But let us remember that we are not alone in facing these challenges. Countless blogs and personal stories resonate with the struggles of mothers attempting to balance the demanding roles society expects us to fulfill. Women share their heart-wrenching experiences of feeling torn between excelling at work and being present at home, striving to maintain relationships while constantly feeling like they are falling short. These narratives expose the harsh realities of a culture that perpetuates unrealistic expectations, leaving us feeling inadequate and unfulfilled.
One such powerful story I came across was shared by a working mother who felt immense guilt for pursuing her career while raising her children. She had internalised the notion that suffering was synonymous with being a good mom, and any time she invested in her career was perceived as time taken away from her children. This internal struggle led to emotional turmoil and affected her overall well-being.
Another blog post narrated a story of a mother trying to meet society's standards of being a good wife while excelling in her career and maintaining her friendships. The pressure to "do it all" left her feeling overwhelmed and exhausted. It was only when she started prioritising self-care and setting realistic boundaries that she began to find a sense of balance and fulfillment in her roles.
Social media, with its shiny highlight reels, has also played a significant role in adding to the subtle pressure on women to "have it all." Picture-perfect posts and curated feeds often create a facade of effortless success, making it seem like others are effortlessly managing motherhood, careers, and relationships. This comparison culture only amplifies the burden we carry, pushing us further away from authenticity and compassion.
As mothers, it is time we liberate ourselves from this harmful narrative and embrace a new perspective on motherhood—one that values self-compassion and self-care. By prioritising our well-being, we become better equipped to nurture our children and enrich their lives with genuine love and understanding.
In conclusion, the notion of equating suffering with being a good mom is a flawed and harmful concept that I urge us to reject.
Our worth as mothers is not determined by how much we sacrifice but by the love and care we provide our children and ourselves. It is time we break free from this suffocating narrative and reclaim the joy and compassion that motherhood truly embodies.
Let us embrace the beautiful mess that is motherhood, cherishing every moment with compassion and understanding.
xoxo
LS
(A Fellow Mother)

Comments